Seriously, how do I expunge my criminal record?

     So let's just exercise our collective ability to suspend disbelief and assume that you have honestly given up on your felonious anti-social tendencies after having spent the last 20 years having weekly run-ins with the local, state, and federal law enforcement authorities.  You have, in fact, decided that you want to start giving back to society, but that halfway house for hookers and bankers will never get licensed after the city checks your criminal record.  Well I want to help you stop at least one of those groups screwing others for money, so instead of focusing on MNF tonight, I am going to be here to parse statutory code and write bad puns.  And I'm all out of bad puns.
     GCIC stands for Georgia Crime Information Center, and is the division of the Georgia Bureau of Information that maintains your criminal arrest record in Georgia.  "Expunging" is the term used for removing information from the GCIC database and destroying original records of arrest.
     O.C.G.A. 35-3-37 has all you need to know about expunging your criminal record.  (Dig into this link and find it at Title 35, Chapter 3, Article 2).  Then be glad I translated it into English for you.  Then go talk to your Georgia attorney, because I disclaim any and all misinterpretations of Georgia law while writing this blawg-post, and refuse to enter any sort of situation where you think an attorney-client relationship is forming here.
     35-3-37 starts out with a vague warning of never using your powers for evil, then generally calls for an air of calm as you learn to trust your government.  After this pre-spell incantation is cast, the knowledge for expunging a mistake in your record is given followed by the knowledge for expunging accurate information from an arrest that wasn't sufficient to result in a conviction.

MISTAKES IN YOUR GCIC RECORD

     Innaccurate or incomplete information in your GCIC record can be expunged by sending a request to the agency that has the original arrest records.  That request must identify what the innacuracy is, identify desired changes, and request that GCIC be informed of the chang(es).
     If the agency disagrees with your position, or otherwise refuses to change information you believe to be innacurate information, its decision is appealable to the Superior Court where you live, or where the agency exists.  The appeal is conducted de novo, which is good for you, because that means that you don't have to overturn the agency decision, you just have to convince the court that you are right.

ACCURATE YET EXPUNGABLE INFORMATION
IN YOUR GCIC RECORD

     OK, so the information can’t be labeled a mistake, but on the other hand you weren’t convicted of the charges brought. The prosecuting attorney either didn't formally bring charges, or later dropped those charges by either "dead docketing" or "nolle prosse"-ing the charges. (Stand by for a post that will dig into the details of the gross over-generalization made in that last sentence.) You aren't out of the woods yet, as you have to file a request with the agency holding the original arrest records, and that prosecuting attorney is going to be the one who reviews the case again. If there are any reasons other than s/he thinks you didn't do the crime, you are going to have a tough road to hoe getting that charge expunged. All of the reasons why it won't get expunged are grist for the mill another day, but the important thing is that the prosecuting attorney's office is the one to butter up here. So don't go laughing maniacally and exit the courtroom with a raised middle finger when you think you have beat the rap.
     I doubt I can keep your attention for much longer, and I know I can't keep mine, because the damn 49-ers just took the lead. I need more Drew Brees points in my fantasy league, and it can't go to Colston. More about your expunging needs later. I need a beer. And you need a good West Georgia Lawyer.